Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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