I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
