I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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