It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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