There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We are all done wearing pants today
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
