Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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