I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
