Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
