6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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