I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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