i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
