What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
