Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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