12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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