I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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