I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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