at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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