i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
