i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
