oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
4 words: hood of his car
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize