Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
