dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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