How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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