I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
