Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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