Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
