Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
