i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
