you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
