Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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