Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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