my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
