all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
