I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
