the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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