I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
