I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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