what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
