I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize