I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
