dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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