Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
