This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he fucked my hip out of place.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
