One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
