Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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