I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
