Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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