i always forget guys have bellybuttons
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize