This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
