Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
