i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
