Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
