I faked an abortion last night.
People in love make me want to vomit
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
