He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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