Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
