My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
