His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize