i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
