Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
